My Bad Decisions
by Opal the Goddess of Life
Summary: Right after Naruto leaves on his training trip with Jiraiya, Kakashi thinks about Obito, Rin, Minato, and Team Seven, and all of the mistakes he's made. Along with all the reasons he's able to get through them.


Summary: the day after Naruto leaves with Jiraiya Kakashi thinks about all of the mistakes he's made and the things that led to them.

This is my take on why he did what he did throughout part 1. There is a basic explination at the bottom. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Naruto series nor Kakashi, because if I did Itachi, Asuma and Jiraiya would all have lived.  
>_<p>

I had a lot to think about, looking at the picture on the windowsill **(1)**. I gazed down upon the people in the photo with melancholy; a black haired boy with orange goggles covering eyes the some shade of black whose grin threatened to split his face, a girl with shoulder length auburn hair and strange purple rectangular shaped marks on her cheeks, a young boy with gravity defying, gray hair despite his young age with a black mask revealing no emotion, though you could tell from his obsidian eyes he was not happy with the arrangement (whether it was the group or the photo itself was not clear to even myself), and finally their sensei, or so one could assume since he was the only adult, he was in his early 20s sitting on a rock looking down in a sad sort of way although a small smile graced his tanned face, although that might as well had been worth 1,000 watts coupled with his bright blonde hair and electric blue eyes.

Yes I remembered it like yesterday, the Team 7 of the past, and how it all went wrong. I hadnt cared back then about teamwork. I didnt care if teamwork f*%ked itself all I cared about was the mission. Had you asked me how I felt about my teammates I would have told you I didnt, and that would have mostly been the truth. I hated how loud one was and hated how the other fawned over me like one would a bowl of Kushina-sama's homemade salt ramen. I would have told you that nothing mattered except the success of the mission. In fact it was this that caused Gai to instigate all those challenges from our academy days into the days with our genin teams **(2)**; to prove that teamwork and hard work could out-do natural talent. That teamwork was more important then the mission.

What I would do to go back and whip that into my head.

It had been fine, sure we were at war but it had been nothing we couldn't handle. I had just been promoted to jonin so they felt I was capable to lead.

If I could go back I would beat some sense into them as well.

I can still remember it so well his face, those heated words, every second from that argument to the one fateful moment that would define the rest of my life. I can still remember it; her sobs, the tears, the tears I wanted to shed but I was a _shinobi_ we dont cry do we?

Do we?

I still maintained my quiet, keep-to-myself appearance although even I couldn't hide all evidence of my feelings on the matter. Ironically enough Gai was the only one who noticed. Minato-sensei might have realized and Kushina-sama most certainly knew but both had given me my space, Gai was the only one who acted on it. Not even Rin though I don't blame her or sensei or Kushina-sama; they had been lost in their own grief. So it was Gai, the one who knew me best out of other people that noticed it. He took to challenging me more often when really he was just diverting attention to himself when the questions got to personal. And he was the one that would scout me out at the memorial stone and wait with me. Comforted me no matter how many times I said I didnt need it and to go to Rin. But he knew that Rin had Michimi and Kurenai to comfort her, she was open in her distress, that he was the only one I had. It would be on the front lines months later where both Michimi and Rin would die, together, Taking a hit for Asuma when a group of Iwa shinobi recognized him as Sandaime's son and decided to pick him off first. It gave Asuma an opening to kill them but he still was in critical condition for quite some time. Now it was my turn to help them through as well.

Shortly after I decided to join ANBU. He supported me in my decision and was the only one who knew about it besides sensei and Kushina-sama.

Then it happened 2 years later **(3)**. We had been silently rejoicing Kushina-samas pregnancy, we had foolishly agreed to keep it a secret to protect her and by relation _Naruto_ from any assassination attempts.

How foolish we were.

But suddenly our rejoicing was cut short. When _He_ came. Eyes like pools of blood, voice like thunder, fur a sickly red/orange sheen in the moonlight, all the while with nine tails bringing fire and destruction in their wake.

Kyūbi, the nine tailed fox.

I was so consumed with grief and work I hadn't spared a thought to sensei's child. In fact I wouldnt spare a thought to him for the better part of 12 years. Just another thing to add to my list of mistakes. In fact Sandaime seemed rather adamant to keep me away from him, I think he knew how I would react.

But then we both became preoccupied with another tragedy, the Uchiha Massacre. I remember being so panicked, sure none of them liked me but they were Obito's only relatives, his legacy. I was so worried about his cousins Itachi and Sasuke that I couldn't think straight. I had been the one to find him, trapped in a 48-hour nightmare. I felt so relieved, there was someone alive! Obito's spirit wasnt lost! But that relief quickly turned to anger. It had been Itachi. I had set out to catch him, find him, stop him, and get revenge for Obito and poor Sasuke, no matter what the cost to myself. I could sleep when he was caught. Of course Sandaime noticed my work-into-the-ground behavior and forced to retire from ANBU and register to take a genin team. I don't blame him for anything either, I can understand why he did it, he knew if I killed Itachi I would feel guilty for killing Obito's relative, and that seeing Naruto would bring back so many bad memories. But looking back on it now I probably should have told him to shove it up his ass, take Naruto and Sasuke, shove my pity to the side and have us live happily together. But I had no time to dwell on his plans for my well being, he made sure to keep me busy so I wouldn't fall into my grief once again. But back then if I had found out I would've said I could control myself.

Thinking about it now I know he was right.

So it continued for several years. Gai was the first person to know I was 'back'. Of course, that was because after seeing the state of my apartment and declaring it most 'unyouthful' he, with speed and youthfulness only possessed by him, promptly moved into the apartment next door and accidentally broke down the wall in a display of 'overwhelming youthfulness' **(4)**.

Needless to say after 10 minutes in the same room the landlady finally broke.

Sandaime kept me busy with missions, I would run through genin teams like Gai does around Konoha, and spent the rest of my time with Gai doing challenges (we decided to keep doing them just to see others reactions in a very Anko like moment), or drinking and catching up with my friends. Of course soon I ran into Jiraiya-sama who gave me a free copy of 'Icha Icha Paradise'.

I was never the same again.

So time came and went and I still hadn't taken a genin team and was rather proud of myself for failing every single genin team I had been assigned. The year prior the kid Gai was attached to, Lee, had just graduated so Gai took on his own genin team, who would often stay over. Asuma had come back a couple years ago and Kurenai had just made jonin and they both took my lead and decided to take genin teams. Of course it was that year that Team 7 was formed.

Originally Sandaime didn't want Naruto on my team but do to the best-loser-best tradition he had to. Even seeing the name on the paper I didnt realize just how hard it would be until I saw him. He had that same sunshine hair, blue eyes, tan skin the only difference was those perfectly symmetrical birthmarks and the Uzumaki eye shape, Kushina-sama's parting gifts **(5)**. And of course he had the same ramen craving and loud personality she was known for from the moment she sent Shikaku Nara through the wall of the academy when he called her tomato **(6)**. I didn't blame him, I couldn't, but every time I looked at him some part of my heart got prodded with needles. Needles of the memories and the fact _I didn't say goodbye_. Then there was Sasuke, I could tell he was going down the entirely wrong path of vengeance, but then they passed the test and I knew he had a chance! I tried to treat them all the same, but I knew if Sasuke continued down the road he was going he would be lead to a bad area. So I decided as a last gift to Obito to teach him what he taught me.

Well look how that turned out.

We went on our first C-rank not to long after the test by Konoha standards. Of course it turned out to be a disaster. It made me realize, in a way, that I needed to speed up their training. Normal genin teams don't learn control until their 3rd month, and even then start off with something simple like the leaf exercise. But here they were barely through their first month starting with the tree climbing exercise. Even though I wouldn't show it I was very proud of them. Then of course was the fight on the bridge and then I realized that out of all of them, even Sakura, Naruto was the weakest, but out of everyone, even Sasuke, he had the most potential **(7)**. I realized that I needed to train him more, more instruction, more direction, but I simply couldn't face him alone. Then after the mission I started working them harder and harder in their sessions but still I couldn't face Naruto alone. And then came the chunin exams. I originally had no intention of having them participate but then both Kurenai and Asuma signed their teams up and I figured what the hell they could use the experience.

One of my biggest mistakes.

I had been originally happy that they would all participate and slightly amused when Naruto got by without answering a single question, but all of that was quickly washed away when they came back from the second task.

I immediately knew I had to take up Sasuke's training that month alone without his obvious lack of control in the preliminary rounds. I was almost hurt that I couldn't train Naruto as I had been intending to do and turn Sasuke over to Gai (Neji was being trained by his clan) but hoped that Ebisu could at least work on his control. Of course when Jiraiya-sama took over his training I was both relieved and slightly miffed that he got a good teacher but that I still couldn't face him. Then the invasion happened and I was in a panic about Sasuke. By that point I knew Gaara was a Jinchuuriki and knew Naruto would be the only one able to possibly defeat him. So knowing Sakura would be able do some minor healing and that Shikamaru would be able to handle any opposition I sent them with Pakkun to assist him, more than anything.

After the funeral of Sandaime, Jiraiya went with Naruto to pick up Tsunade-sama. Of course I was still upset I couldn't get any time with Naruto to resolve this aching feeling. But that was soon replaced with worry for my Sensei's son with the arrival of two men in black cloaks marked with red clouds.

Unlike most people at the time I was vaguely aware of Akatsuki at that time because of my hunt for Itachi. So when they showed up I knew immediately just what they came for.

When I woke up to hear that Sasuke had run off after Itachi I was even more worried that he might finish what he started all those years ago. Luckily or Unluckily, Jiraiya was able to drive them off before he could, although he was put into a state very similar to mine. But soon enough they returned and everything was getting back in order. But of course nothing can last for long.

When the initial retrieval mission came out I didn't like the fact I couldnt go along but I realized why. After the invasion we needed everyone we could to defend Konoha if anyone decided to exploit our weakness. So a new chunin leading a three-man, soon four-man, squad should have logically been enough, but it was just too similar to the first of my many mistakes to be taken lightly. A newly promoted young man leading a team to fight against one of our biggest enemies. So when I learned Sasuke and Naruto were fighting at The Valley of the End I immediately rushed over to check on my students. I got there just in time to see my teammate's last relative try to kill my sensei's son.

It was while waiting in the hospital after I had handed my student off to Tsunade-sama that I realized that had never seen Naruto as Naruto, only as my Sensei's son. That I had never seen Sasuke as Sasuke and only as Obito's legacy. It was then that Naruto showed me (if only by relation) that by giving me his eye Obito-san was making _Me_ his legacy.

Yesterday Jiraiya-sama left with Naruto to train for 3 years, and just tonight did Sakura-chan tell me she was taking up an apprenticeship with Tsunade-sama. I look over to the picture just beside the one I'm holding, of my team just out of the academy. I realize just how much I've failed. I failed Obito-san, I failed Minato-sensei, I failed Kushina-sama, Rin-chan, but most importantly I failed my students. Setting the pictures down I look up at the bright, full moon as Gai walks into the room.

"Kakashi-san are you alright?" I hum lightly in response.

'Yes Gai-san, Im fine."

But I still have a chance. I can redeem myself yet. Starting today I will stop wallowing in the past and relish what I have and in 3 years I will face them both and reunite my team, and I will _make things right_.

Starting tonight I will erase my bad decisions.  
>_<p>

(1): In Shippuden there is a brief glance inside his apartment where it does show that the pictures are on his windowsill.

(2): When I looked into it I realized all of the instructors were around the same age so I thought it would be neat if they were all in the same year. In my mind it was Obito-Kakashi-Rin, Gai-Michimi-Asuma, Random Guy-Kurenai-Random Guy.

(3): They never exactly explain the timeline so in my mind its 2 years after Rins death.

(4): I took this idea from Newtons Third Law (I unfortunately dont know the author). Its a Harry Potter/Naruto crossover and its very well written. A good read if youre into it. Well in it Kotetsu and Izumo move into the apartment next door and then knock down the wall to his apartment to live with him.

(5): It has been stated that the Whisker Marks were do to the Kyuubis influence on Kushinas pregnancy and he wouldve had them even if he had not become a Jinchūriki. On that note if youve read the most recent character book it also says her favorite food is Salt Ramen and I thought it was an interesting connection.

(6): figure even if they werent in the same year if hes anything like Shikamaru he would probably be the first one to say something like that.

(7) In my mind as far as strength goes he was the weakest but appeared stronger because of his high Chakra reserves and solid strategies.  
>_<p>

Vocabulary/Notes for the Uneducated:

Kyuubi/Kyuubi no Kitsune: A nine-tailed demon fox featured in Japanese Folklore.

Jinchuuriki: literally means Power of human sacrifice. In the series it means a person with a Bijuu (Tailed Beast), such as the Kyuubi, sealed inside of them. Are the primary targets of the organization Akatsuki.

Akatsuki: means dawn. An organization dedicated to the collection and extraction of the Bijuu.

Sandaime: Third Fire Shadow. The Third Hokage (leader; means fire shadow) of Konoha

Konohagakure no Sato: The Village Hidden in the Leaves, was the first Ninja Village and reputabley the strongest.

Genin: Rookie ninja. Are placed under the care of a jonin sensei until promotion.

Chunin: Mid-level ninja.

Jonin: high ranking ninja. Can take on a genin squad.

ANBU: Special Assassination and Tactical Squad. Take orders directly from the Kage doing the highest jobs in the village.

Chunin Exams: Exams to test if genin are ready for promotion.

Uchiha: A noble clan in the village of Konoha. Were murdered by Itachi Uchiha.

-sama: Suffix. Shows great respect for whomever it is attached to.

-san: Suffix. Used on mutual accquaitences.

-chan: Suffix. Shows friendship although more commonly used on females though can be used for small children.

-kun: Suffix. Shows Friendship almost always used on males.

Sensei. Japanese. Means teacher  
>-<p>

So Kakashi is one of my favorite characters and after reading some fan fictions versions of him I was mulling over his reasoning and feelings behind his decisions. He may not show it often but he is a very emotional person and I believed that would have a really big part in why he does what he does. I also noticed that besides the extra training he never acted towards Sasuke in a way that showed favoritism. I also think as far as the little training goes he was planning on waiting a year before entering much like Gai, and after teams 8 and 10 entered he was confident enough in their abilities that they wouldnt die and figured they could use it to their advantage. When I said he was intending to train Naruto that month it was because he wanted to get over the feelings and thought the best way to do that was spend time with him. And furthermore he seemed fine with Sakura and Naruto in Shippuden so he doesnt dislike them. So taking this into consideration I thought this is closest to what he was feeling. Please give me your views on both my interpretation and your own. I hope you enjoyed it.

Ja ne!

Opal the Goddess of Life


End file.
